My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
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I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it