My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed