Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.