I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
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If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious