Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
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my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.