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People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Yes, but it was never about money
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom