CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
You Might Also Like
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Namaste
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
You sure about that?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?