I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
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*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
twitter users today:
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁