I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
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Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.