Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
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My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”