I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
You Might Also Like
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
So true for me
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.