Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
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I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack