Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Not all heroes wear capes…
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up