I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
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therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
what’s really going on
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.