Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
me doing my best
This is true.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes