I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
You Might Also Like
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.