My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Unimpressed
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.