The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Basketball
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what