i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
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My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Just ordered me some pizza!
My blood type is coffee.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.