I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
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[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.