When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
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Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
translated into Canadian
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Happy Friday
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.