What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
You Might Also Like
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
You sure about that?
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*