they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.