Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
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Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Many hands make light work
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
no
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option