Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
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Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?