[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.