You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
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The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
This is the one
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it