My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
You Might Also Like
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.