[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.