Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones