[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I think this should do it.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..