He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Guy who likes music
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
This hospital has everything
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free