[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.