looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
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I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.