Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.