Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
philosophical skeletons be like
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.