me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
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Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.