overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
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[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
(Jupiter –
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
marvel comics have peaked
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)