who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
You Might Also Like
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.