[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.