My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
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“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night