Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
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When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet