My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Maths meets science
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs