i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Stonehinge
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.