Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree