Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?