Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
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Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites