WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]