robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
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Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan