Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
We decided to have money instead of children.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The honesty is refreshing
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?